Standard certified, squirrel proof bird feeder
Marvin suspended the bird feeder form a 6 foot metal shepherd's crook. One day when Marvin was looking outside at the bird feeder he noticed that it was feeding not a bird, but a squirrel. Perplexed and puzzled, Marvin went outside to scare the squirrel away, only to return inside and await the squirrel's return. Unbeknownst to the squirrel, Marvin was watching his every move, and the squirrel inadvertently gave away his secret move. The squirrel jumped half way up the shepherd's crook and shimmied the rest of the way up to the bird seed awaiting him. Marvin, astounded by this feat of strength and wit, had a simple solution: vaseline. Every other day Marvin went out to his backyard to slather vaseline on the pole in hopes of keeping this relentless rodent away from the bird seed. He even had a few laughs when the squirrel would jump up and slide down the pole but to no avail. About a week later Marvin noticed the sly squirrel on the bird feeder again. Frustrated, Marvin again scared the squirrel away to see how he again reached the bird feeder. This squirrel was not only handsome, he was cunning. The squirrel would take a running jump at the shepherd's crook only to slide down covered in vaseline. He would then roll around in the grass to rub as much of it off as he could only to repeat the process until he could scale the crook and reach his much anticipated feast. Marvin, aghast at this triumph, did away with the shepherd's crook in favor of hanging the said squirrel proof bird feeder from a rope in a tree. This failed for obvious reasons. The squirrel simply climbed down the rope to eat his bird seed, all the while fighting off the birds that claimed the food was rightfully theirs. Still unsatisfied with his life, the squirrel chewed through the rope sending the bird feeder tumbling to the ground. Now the squirrel could eat and bury his food with relative ease and little effort. Marvin, now making a sailor blush, puts the bird feeder back on the shepherd's crook with what little vaseline he had left until he devised a better solution. Marvin then decided that he would hang the said squirrel proof bird feeder from a chain in the tree, which again, failed miserably. This time, the squirrel, perplexed by this inconvenience, chewed through the washer on top of the bird feeder. This washer helped keep the elements out and the bird seed fresh. Without the washer, and the monsoons in the area, the bird seed was ruined. After going to the store to buy more bird seed, some blood pressure medicine, and some tobasco sauce (my mom's idea) Marvin once again set up the bird feeder in the tree with a chain, and now with tabasco sauce. However, the plan backfired. Instead of deterring the squirrel, he loved the taste of tobasco sauce on the bird feeder and started to chew the plastic of the bird feeder to get to more bird seed. So now not only the washer, but part of the actual bird feeder is damaged and allowing the elements to enter the bird feeder. After this, Marvin is now ready to buy any kind of weapon with which to kill this squirrel.
All of these events started in January and have continued to the present. As most of you know, our dear friend Trevor Nuts Petey, aka T-Petey, left us in April; he was brutally murdered by ingesting 2-ply toilet paper. I mentioned the tragic tale of T-Petey to my mother, and she told Marvin. Marvin, thinking I was full of it and lying to them, put tiny pieces of torn toilet paper in the bird feeder along with tabasco sauce. The next day Marvin walked out to enjoy the sunset across the lake, and found a red robin, a blue bird, a female cardinal, and the squirrel lying dead below the bird feeder (May they all rest in peace). Aghast at what he had done, Marvin packed up the certified squirrel proof bird feeder, took it back to the store, returned it, and bought a much needed drink.
No comments:
Post a Comment