If, Then Statements

Okay, so.
For being so brilliant, I seem to be absent-minded (or possibly simply exhibit selective memory without admitting it). Here is a classic example.

Sable is at Roommates/my apartment, which is not unusual. He is also leaving for the evening, also not unusual. He is forgetting some of his things, especially not unusual. This day it happened to be seasoning salt. Do not ask me why we had the seasoning salt as I cannot know such things.

Alphabet manages to remember, hands the seasoning salt to Sable, and he sticks it in his back pocket. He then makes a snide comment to Alphabet and I don't know what it was because I wasn't paying attention. Anyway, the next thing I know, Alphabet has taken the seasoning salt from Sable's back pocket with one hand and shoved him out the door with the other. He was obviously upset about this, and this is evidenced by the fact that he starts dumping the Toy Story Cheeze-its on our doorstep.
After a few minutes of this madness, Alphabet opens the door to return the seasoning salt. Sable retaliates by stepping on the Cheeze-its and grinding them in the concrete. I simply sigh in exasperation and go get the broom and dust pan.

Alphabet watches me clean up the mess and then I start to walk away.

Alphabet: Wait. Where are you going?
Me: To put these on Sable's doorstep.
Alphabet: Oh, I want to come (begins to walk out of the apartment).
Me: Oh, look (points to the ground). A slug!
Alphabet: (picks up the slug and carries it with us)
Me: Good idea. Let's throw it at him.
Alphabet: WHAT?? NO!!! He would kill it! It didn't do anything. It doesn't deserve to be killed.
Me: Please...PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE??? It would be *so* funny. You know that it would be. Can we? Can we? Can we?
Alphabet: No (pets the slug as we walk to Sable's place).
Me: (sulking the rest of the way to Sable's)

Once we are standing on his doorstep (we had to stay far enough behind so he didn't see us coming), I simply turn the dustpan upside down and wait. Within seconds, I hear, "OH HELL NO!!! Do NOT put that on my doorstep!!"

He then opened the door and saw me, smirking, and Alphabet holds out her hand. "Look! It's a slug. Isn't it cute?!"

Sable: O_O MOTHER F(Door slams shut and three clicks immediately follow as he padlocks the door)

Before I go on, let me just say I have hardly seen anyone more terrified of anything in my entire life. I'd rank this in the top three, for sure. And even though I feel terrible that he is terrified, I collapse under my hysteria.

After a few minutes of coaxing, he finally unlocks the door but instructs us not to open it until he says.

Sable: Before you open the door, I need you to know that I have two knives, and if you even THINK about throwing that ABOMINATION at ME, I WILL throw the KNIVES at YOU.
Me: Understood. I am opening the door. Alphabet, stay OUTSIDE with that thing.
Sable: (poised and ready, wielding two butcher knives while standing on the opposite side of the wall) WHAT do you want?
Me: (slowly walking into the apartment, hands out in front as if I could stop the knives if he threw them) I just wanted to apologize. I-I didn't realize you didn't like slugs.
Sable: Not JUST slugs, Alanna. ANY bugs. ANY (flails the knives wildly about during the previous capitalized words)
Me: As I said, I did not realize, and I am sorry.
Sable: How did you not realize?!? Do you not REMEMBER Invertebrate Zoology and the bug project?
Me: I don't know. Apparently I don't think about things. I said I'm sorry, okay?
Sable: No!! NOT "okay" (attempts to make quotation marks with the knives).
Me: Well, I'm sorry that it's not okay, but you HAVE to put the knives down. Do you know what Marvel or your other roommates will do to you if they see you wielding a knife against me? or Alphabet?
Sable: (looks at the knives, looks at me, looks around me and out the door to Alphabet, still holding the slug, back at the knives, back to me) I see your logic.

He then puts down the knives ON THE COUCH (???) and so I slowly walk towards them to pick them up and place them in the knife block in the kitchen. While I am making slow and calculated movements, I suddenly remember Sable's Invertebrate Zoology project. Collect 50 bugs and put them in resin. I remember the Roommates catching the bugs for Sable. I remember the attempt at catching the moth. I remember the trauma he endured. And I try as hard as I can to stifle my laughter, because I'm not so sure Sable is completely unarmed, and I'm afraid that he might attack me if I burst into laughter at his expense.

At this point, I have apologized profusely, numerous times, and told Sable he should thank Alphabet because she was the voice of reason in all of this. She was the one who told me not to throw the slug at Sable. However, he made a good point. It was all her fault to begin with. If she had not stolen his seasoning salt, the cheeze-its would have been spared, and the slug would have never been found.

Touche, Sable. Touche.


***UPDATE***
To be fair, I must let it be known that I am not the biggest fan of bugs/slugs, but I can tolerate them.
That being said, I was admiring the rain fall from my doorstep and then went to my car to retrieve a book. While on the way out to the car, I felt a *squish* under my foot. I make a high pitched squeal semi-silently because it just feels gross.
I immediately started hopping on one foot the rest of the way to the car. When I take the last hop and land against the car, I feel another *squish* as I land on another on what was my "clean" foot. I emit another sound that I'm sure only dogs can hear.
I apologize for killing the slug and his date, and then I resolve to clean my feet in the puddles outside and walk back inside. And as I take the last step into my door, I step on yet another one. Seriously???
And that's when I look down. There are over 20 in the cat food dish. I cringe, but only as I laugh because I think, I wish Sable were here for this.