· Because of the things you say…
Gah, you are so self-absorbed! This is not about you!!
Broadway: Can’t you just be here?
Sable: Did you know that you can smoke penicillin when it becomes a mold?
Me: Sable...penicillin IS a mold...
Sable: [glaring]...Why are you here?
Me: I have a great phone voice…
Aussie: You always never come!!
It’s not helpful when you’re not helpful.
Alphabet: I’ve had a lot of time to improve my skills, yo
Ostentatious: Nobody’s smart in my family so it’s okay
Ostentatious or Alphabet (I wasn't there) about a math problem: I think gold is a metaphor for something else…you know…
That’s too happy for nursing
Aussie: I would never soil Alanna’s futon.
Alphabet (one of my favorites of ALL TIME): Prove me wrong…
Strippers don’t sing; they wiggle
But temptation is sometimes too much
I don’t use language
You and your logic
Duck! Where are you, Duck? Are you being eaten by a water moccasin?
Why would I do that? I don’t even like you!
Broadway/Me: No, no
(She was the epitome of this statement): I’m not the sharpest bulb in the box.
Forbidden candy tastes so much better.
Related to the bowel sounds…
That’s coming from me, and you know how I like to discriminate
Do you not look at your pee?
Ostentatious, about Alphabet: Oh look, dinner AND a show!
Don’t tempt me.
Alphabet: We are so stupid! All of us!!
Sable: It’d be a really cool Lifetime moment except no one would have cancer, die, or be beaten.
Alphabet: There is a God, and He is just!!
You are the sugar to my snickerdoodle.
Me: Know what I just realized?
Sable: That you love me?
Me: ...No, but it appears that way, doesn’t it?
Me: I don’t have to top it; I just usually do.
Me: Little does he know that he is just a game to me.
Alphabet, driving past a cemetery: Hi, dead people.
Hi, volume.
Ostentatious: I love racism.
Me: Now who’s the creeper??
That’s a lot of tiny promises from God.
He just walks around naked when he doesn’t have clothes on.
Sable, to Aussie when she was washing her face: You have milk all over your face.
Sable: Don’t leave me—it’s a bad neighborhood, and I’m kinda cute.
Alphabet: I wanna know!!!
(Awkward Balloon)
Car kicking incident
Marvel: Hey, I wanna show you something, but don’t worry, it’s not creepy.
The face kicking incident
Broadway's mother: I find you psychological need to cling to the laurels of 6th grade disquieting.
The whole reason for it as procreation.
It’s not a Mexican birthday!
You can do anything in the dark.
Sable (about not getting totally wasted when drinking): You want to remember the good times you have, and remember your liver.
Ostentatious: We are so dysfunctional that we can’t even live a hypothetical death!
I, the people of this apartment…
It looks like seagull poop.
Sable, about his roommate, Marvel: I’m pretty sure I could viciously murder a howler monkey right next to him and he wouldn’t wake up—that’s a heavy sleeper.
The Pirhacolypse
What are we yelling about??
I’m just not good with cockroaches.
Trogdor!!!
YOU ARE A CHILD!!
Alphabet, to me about Stephen Colbert: What kind of friend do you want to be to him?
It’s more pterrifying than pterodactyls!
(I don't remember who said this, but I do know it was about Alphabet's computer): At least the sounds still works; otherwise it’d be like Helen Keller with epilepsy.
Aussie: If you ever need to laugh and have a hamster on hand…
Me: It’s not like I’m a genius or anything…
All good heresies have been taken. I know. I’ve tried to find one.
Alphabet: I’m excited about the process…
It’s a proven fact that violence causes illness.
Sable: Someone call the unnamed child…MOSES!!!
Celery ducts
On the internet…
You know, sometimes a girl should just grow a pair, seriously.
Alphabet, about the Goonies: It’s a great movie, there’s a kid with asthma in it!
Me or Alphabet, but I don't remember why: My hero is a loser.
But it’s uncooked!!
Well her alter-ego, Molly, is an idiot!
You can’t be sad with diabeetus –Tyler
And that’s why you shouldn’t get knocked up
Jimmy Larkin, get back to class.
Alphabet: I think I was just called worthless
Me: No, no, just soiled goods
Hey, that’s Beyonce’s new song…you know…telephone, no, videophone, no hustler
Sable: Hmm…rape. Gag. Pocahontas.
Me: WHAT??
Sable: Sorry, that came out wrong. Raping Pocahontas is bad, very bad. (He explained it and it did make sense, but still...)
Sable: It looked like a Death Eater and the KKK had a baby and it was coming to kill me!!
Ostentatious, while playing Apples to Apples: Without me your tree huggers wouldn’t have died so Sable could be happy! Gah!
Marvel: I just saw myself in 30 years and I was still awesome!
Magic dream phone time!
Me: Screw you, Xena!!
Everyone: Tell us how you locked your Nan in the bus…
Aussie: Giulty as charged (misspelled on purpose)
Alphabet: Aussie, what was that?!
Aussie: a car
Ostentatious, to Alphabet about how she should have been left handed: But how much better would you be?
Aussie: I grew up in America! I lived in Australia for a year! My palms are hot!
Me: (Suicide symphony) Sable, what are you doing?....A CONCERTO!!!
I’m so tired of being tortured!!
I will go through the seven layers of the candy cane forest, into the swirly twirly gumdrop land, and I will get to New York to buy the game and I will save Christmas, DAMNIT!!
And you guys won’t see it until you see it.
Is there a naked person out there?
Oh no x1000 :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Don’t hit me after you insult me
“snow olive”
You can LARP with a real sword, it’s called crime.
Ominous music tends to follow you…in a good way.
I was terrified my phone was ringing.
No raping is allowed in this apartment.
Me, to Sable: Everything is a phenomena with you… or an epidemic. It all really depends!
Sable, about Never Ending Story: I haven’t seen it since I was 4 or 6…some single digit year.
Sable, to me: AAHHH!!!...Sorry, I couldn’t see you for a second.
Yeah, and it lowers your sperm count.
You still killed the rest of my friends. I’m still in shock/denial. Just wait til I reach ANGER!
Sable, trying to traumatize a dog: Hey! Hello there! Come here, yes, come here!...GET AWAY FROM ME! I HATE YOU!!!
Me: It’s sexier when you eat it with a knife.
Sable, about Moulin Rouge: She was just consumed.
Sable, still about Moulin Rouge: That’s how dying people sound. They’re needy.
Sable: No one cares about the children.
Sable, on after death: I’m probably past my suffering.
My wonderful mother: And so are we
You can tell it’s a baby because it’s fat and has a small tail.
You don’t hit someone who looks this good.
Why are you withholding?
Sable: What is *your* useless job here?
Alphabet: making sure you don’t die.
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Being a jerk just comes naturally to me.
Me, on opening night of the Olympics: I love all the racial slurs that have been made tonight.
Me, to Roommates: Is that the equivalent of girls eating ice cream when they’re sad? I’m just trying to figure it out.
Marvel: You want AIR?? Well I want air in my tires!!!
Sable: It’s let ghetto water, it tastes like food stamps and depression.
Sable: Even though I can’t tell you, I’ll give you a teaser trailer—pirate hookers.
Aussie: What is the parade of nations?
Me: A parade of the nations.
Aussie: Oh, okay.
Aussie, when she goes to bed: Here are the rules—#1 Don’t bother me.
Sable: Poor incapacitated, middle-aged Aussie.
Me: Avoid motorcades at all costs. They can be extremely hazardous to your health.
Sable, but I don't remember why: We’re never going to win the county fair!!
Me, to Sable: Can you please stop stripping in public?
Sable: I am. I am a whore for the stage.
Get on this google train.
Me, about the construction workers: So…in my dream they are tap dancers that are God-awful.
Sable, to me: I like that I’m the drug and you’re the dealer.
Roommates: That’s why none of us want to kiss him.
Sable, while watching the Discovery Channel one night: I don't mean to alarm you, but I think we’re watching porn, Alanna. I'm just going to change the channel.
Aussie, to Sable: Even when I am your crazed, middle-aged wife, I don’t want you to die.
You are human, so I like you.
Broadway: Wanna go inside and judge people? Okay! (Karaoke night)
Is that food?
Alphabet, to Aussie: Are you hitting on my car?
Broadway: Alanna, he didn’t respond to my advances.
I am mentally awesome!!
Sable: I don't want to ruin my image?
Me:What image? The image of a sickly child?
Sable: Well, I am my grandmother’s secondary spawn.
Sable: I want to be a medical examiner! BANG!!!
Roommates: Why does she have a crucifix?
Sable: Because she's the devil!!!
Me: You realize that doesn't make sense, right?
Alphabet: I minced!!
Sable: I'm only acting like this to impress you.
Me: There is a difference between a murderer and a whore.
The Racial car.
Aussie: A corpse doesn't have rights!!!
Me: Jesus loves me this I know...for reasons I will tell you later.
Broadway: Why are we watching baseball? Oh, it's a sports bar, right.
Aussie: I'm glad I'm not attracted to crows.
You could jump out of a pot of gold like a leprechaun.
This is my birthday dance.
Sable: Give me my house key or the compliments keep coming
Alphabet: The only thing keeping me from going over the edge is that I look cute right now.
Do unto others as God will undo to you.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T GO NICE PLACES!!!
Why can't you be my hero?
I'm giving myself an aneurysm.
Me: And that's why I put pants on.
Aussie: I saw a baby squirrel today.
Me: OMG, I almost ran over a baby squirrel today!!!
Sable (I don't actually know who said this, but I feel it's a pretty safe bet to say it was Sable): My tongue tastes furry.
But Jesus did.
Broadway: A stare is a stare is a stare, Alanna.
Broadway: You can't make out with facebook, Alanna, I KNOW that, okay?
Me: It's okay, I don't really care, and it doesn't matter anyway. He's going to somewhere like India, and she's the equivalent of England.
Broadway: Alanna, England occupied India for a long time.
I'm sure many a story will stem from reminiscing over these treasures. And I know there will be many more to come.
i would just like to point out that i am NOT the one who misspelled guilty on the board.
ReplyDeleteI know. The Lefty-in-Denial misspelled it. :)
ReplyDeletei would like to piont out that "there is a God and He is just." was mine. having taken place on the night when i was relieved of the terrible task of cutting marvel's hair by david.
ReplyDeleteah, best post ever though.
I...I think I remember almost every single instance where I have said those phrases. Did that make sense? I think it did. Yes, in my head that made sense.
ReplyDeletewhy is everything still my fault? And I am not in denial.. my chances of being a lefty are GONE... and have been for like 15 YEARS... so accept it!
ReplyDeletenew post! new post! new post!
ReplyDelete