A Night or Two To Forget...

So this isn’t really my story, but I don’t really know that I care all that much. My friend, Sable, can’t post this on his blog for reasons you’ll understand later, but the story is just too fantastic for no one to hear. And please note that this story is nowhere near complete as the Skanks are relentless in their pursuits.

Before I begin the story, let me introduce you to myself and a few of my friends.

Alanna aka me/I—I live in an apartment with tons of other people. I work full time and go to school full time. Generally I feel like a mother figure, or at least an alpha female. When one of my friends does something, the others call me to tattle. They also fight over who gets to call/tell me what happened. It is truly a charmed life I lead.

Aussie, Alphabet, and Ostentatious aka Roommates—my roommates, and just generally fantastic people, really.

Sable—The victim in this story, the cause of many others, and might as well be a roommate some days. One of my favorite people, really. In this story he is the object of the Skanks’ affections, oblivious, terrified, and concerned for his general well-being.

Skank #1—S. Scantily clad and what little black dress there is, is too tight. L. Loves men of Sable’s religion although I don’t really understand how that makes a man more appealing (possibly because I’m not a skank or variation thereof?) U. Undeterred by the fact that she has a (serious) boyfriend in addition to the fact that Sable is not interested in her in any way, form, or fashion. T. Total lack of respect for boundaries of other people or what is socially acceptable. Have I made it clear I’m not a huge fan? No? Let me try again. I do not make a habit of actively disliking people. I actively dislike her.

Skank #2—follower of Skank #1 and while she is less of a skank, a skank nonetheless.

The Skanks read Sable's blog, it kind of goes along with stalking the prey.

Okay, now for the story.

The Roommates, Sable, other random people, and I go to our school’s formal (the college version of prom except less expensive, more risqué, and less catering involved). We go as a group because we’re pretty much all single, and that’s just more fun. While there, we make a point to talk to other people and hang out with all kinds of our friends, but we always return to the table we deem as a sort of base camp. We generally don’t shun people just because they’re less awesome than we are…usually. However, the following story gives me cause to reconsider this friendship clause.

As I said, we generally hang out with people at or near the base camp table. The Skanks, along with their two boy toys are in our territory (Yes, I feel it is necessary to use military terms). I have kept them in my peripheral while they are talking to Sable, the only person in our group they really have interest in, because he is OUR (Roommates and myself) friend. NOT theirs.

Alphabet Roommate calls my name and I turn my head for a split second, and the Skanks have their opening. They take it. When I turn back around I see that Skank #1 has taken Sable by the tie and is leading him away from our group. He is looking back in an apologetic and “Please, for the love of all that is holy, save me!” as he is drug off in an attempted seductive manner by the Skanks and their boy toys.

It is important to note at this point in the story that Sable and I are not dating (that is a whole story in and of itself) and so I can’t exactly go grab him and bring him back to our side of the courtyard. This has to be done delicately for a number of reasons:
1. I am in a dress. A very nice formal, floor-length dress that I would rather not ruin in a fight of food or otherwise.
2. I’ve never officially met the Skanks and I don’t want them to outright hate me from the get go.
3. Sable has to deal with the Skanks in classes and through different organizations, and I don’t want to make his life more difficult than I already do.
4. Roommates will scold me if I am immature on an unacceptable level.

So what are my options?
1. Go to their side, grab his tie/make a shady scene, and walk back here with him.
2. Go to their group, talk to them, and find an exit for the conversation to save him.
3. Do nothing, I’m sure he’ll be just fine.
4. Just watch him struggle and imagine doing all the things I shouldn’t do and how funny it would all play out.

I end up opting for #4, which is really just a meaner version of #3. He escapes relatively easily on his own by excusing himself and comes back to the base camp. His eyes are huge. O_O. He is terrified, and rightfully so. He just witnessed an attempted conquest in Girl World.

Divide. And. Conquer.
Steal the unassuming male from his female counterparts, and soon he is rendered helpless in their skanky clutches.

Now all would have been forgiven had they admitted defeat at this time. Obviously he prefers our group to theirs, but they don’t get the hint. They attempt another steal. They again come to our territory and this time, they decide to steal his affections without taking his presence. As if this was any better.

Poor Sable was sitting in a chair, and the two Skanks come and sit on the arms of the chair. I am across the table from him, and it is all I can do not to laugh. From my point of view, I see Sable with a girl on each arm and a boy toy behind each of the Skanks. He looks like a pimp. For serious. But I can’t laugh. I can’t let them know this is oddly humorous to me for reasons they wouldn’t appreciate.

From this point on, any chance they got, they tried to steal him away, and so I would try and include him in ALL of our group’s discussions. This tactic only worked for so long. Slowly, they inched him away from us. And again, I turned my head for one second, and when I turned back around, Skank #1 had kissed his cheek.

Again, we are not dating, nor have we ever dated, nor will we ever in the foreseeable future, be dating. So I can’t really flip a lid like I want to. Instead I just stand there calmly just wondering…well, a number of things really.

1. Wondering what possessed Skank #1 to kiss another guy on the cheek with her boy toy right beside her. He probably didn’t even notice. He looks like he’s used to being ignored and was texting away on his cell most of the evening.
2. Wondering what would happen if I got a damp paper towel, put it on my tongue, walked over there and tiger-kissed Sable’s cheek (Tiger kiss: to lick the side of someone’s face; can be done in a gross or attempted seductive manner, but usually done just to irk the kissee) to rid his face of Skank #1’s kiss.
3. Wondering the reaction from the Skanks AND from Roommates.

While I am pondering these actions, I see Skank #2’s boy toy applying lipstick. At this point I exchange glances with Roommates, and we have no idea what is going on. Apparently Skank #2’s boy toy wanted to leave his mark, as well. Sable agreed to this, for some weird reason, and so Boy Toy #2, after applying lipstick/lip gloss for literally ten minutes, ended up kissing Sable’s collarbone.

Needless to say, Roommates and I decided it was time to go. After a few last terrible songs, Formal had ended and we made our escape. But even after we made our escape, the Skanks wouldn’t admit defeat.

Generally speaking, I consider Sable to be an observant male. Generally. This day, however, was an exception. On the way home, we had to explain to him that they were not simply flirting with him. They were attempting to seduce him. At first he denied our claims, stating they were merely “friendly.” Silly, silly boy. After we told what we saw, from a girl’s point of view, he began to realize that this was not harmless fun. They had every intention of taking advantage of him. He then began to panic. “THEY TRIED TO RAPE ME!!!”

By the time we had gotten home, he had overcome his original fears and wanted pictures of the kisses on his cheek/collarbone. It was at this point I began to wonder about the sanity of any male, let alone just this one.

They called Sable after we had arrived back to Roommates’ apartment, and invited him to some sort of after party. Luckily we had already explained their intentions and he was wise enough not to meet up with them.


***A week or so passes***


I am walking to class. I see Skank #1 and decide to play nice.
Me: Hi, Skank #1 (Please note I did not actually call her that).
Skank #1: o_O Hi...
Me: It's okay if you don't know my name. I don't know that we've ever been formally introduced. I'm Alphabet's roommate.
Skank #1: ...o_O
Me: I hang out with Sable
Skank #1: O_O You know Sable?!? You hang out with him?!
Me: ...y-yes. On a regular basis. He comes over to my apartment pretty much every day.
Skank #1: How is he? Have you talked to him today?
Me: (looks at my wrist as if I have a watch on) It's 8.45 am...
Skank #1: (looking at me expectantly)
Me: No. No I haven't. I don't think he's up yet. He's more of a night owl than an early bird.
Skank #1: Oh, okay. Well, tell Sable I said hi.
Me: Why? You have his number. You can call him.
Skank #1: O_O (Looks as if she has just had an epiphany of the greatest magnitude) ...yeah... I think I will. Slowly saunters off in a daze, holding her books as she stares into nothingness.

**Note** Because of the previous conversation, I know that these next stories are my fault. In fact, I called Sable to tell him what I had told Skank #1 and I took full responsibilities for my actions. Excerpt from said conversation:

Sable: Are you drunk? It's only 10am! What possessed you to do such a thing?
Me: I just think I'm funny is all. You don't have to answer when she calls.
Sable: Alanna, that's not the point. They want to rape me. Why are you encouraging this?
Me: You're just over reacting. Geeze. At least I warned you so you can be on your guard.
Sable: I'm never stepping outside of my apartment again. (hangs up on me while I burst into maniacal laughter)


***The same week***


Sable spends all day out in the creek for his Vertebrate Zoology class. He gets back to campus later than expected and is running late for his night class. As he is walking across campus, Skank #1 sees him and tries to make yet another move.

Skank #1: Hi, Sable (attempts to hug him).
Sable: Um, you don’t really want to hug me. I’ve been in the creek all day, and I’m still wet and gross.
Skank #1: Um, okay. (attempts to start a conversation, “What did you do? Where did you go? Why did you go? Did you have fun?”)
Sable: Hey, I can’t really stay and talk. I have to go change and get cleaned up before my Stats class.
Skank #1: ...(sees an opportunity and takes it) You can just take your clothes off here.
Sable: o_O Um, no. I think I’ll just go to my apartment to shower and get changed (begins to walk away).
Skank #1: (says as he’s walking away) Not even just your shirt?
Sable: (walks away faster)


***A few more days pass***


Apparently the Skanks still refused to admit defeat, and while admirable, that is ridiculous. I have never seen a female pursue a male in such a way, especially when she is already in a relationship. But whatever, maybe I just don’t understand how Skanks operate. *shrug*

So the Skanks call Sable once again to invite him out to a party. But this is no ordinary party. This is a co-ed birthday party for another Skank. With alcohol. Correction: LOTS of alcohol. On a houseboat. In the middle of a lake. Overnight. When Sable tells me this, my mind goes in two directions.
1. Divide and conquer. Without his “platonic harem” he is like the limping, sickly newborn gazelle, and they intend to take advantage of him in his drunken stupor.
2. If he refuses their advances, they will throw him over the side of the houseboat because I assume that is how Skanks operate when they do not get their way.

Needless to say, Sable decided not to go. He made the awkward phone call of “sorry, I can’t come to your party even though it sounds like fun. I’m going to stay home and do homework and count the ceiling tiles (that would be funnier if you knew his apartment didn’t have ceiling tiles).”

They begrudgingly accepted his excuses, and resign themselves to the answer of, “It’s okay. Maybe next time.” Which really means “We hate you, but it’s okay because we’re still going to stalk you until you give in.” Again, that is a rough translation since I am not a Skank and do not know the exact, literal definitions and meanings.


***Fast-forward another week (I told you they were persistent)***


We are at the Finals Dinner for the semester. Alphabet, my roommate, is one of the ones in charge of making sure things run smoothly. The rest of us just come so we can help set up and pick out the good candy while doing so. We set down our stuff at the table we always sit at, start passing out prizes and candy, and eventually sit down to eat our pancake supper.

That’s when I hear, “Sable! Come sit with us!!”

That’s right. The Roommates, Sable, and I turn around, and you’ll never guess who is sitting at the adjacent table (Actually, if you cannot guess, then either (1) you are in some sense of the word, dense, or (2) I am that terrible of a storyteller. I’m just going to go ahead and say that it is not option 2.).
He manages to appease them with, “Umm, I’m eating. I’ll come talk to you when I’m done eating,” and then turns to us to say, “I can’t go over there. I don’t want to go over there. Help me find an excuse not to go over there. Alanna, please, I don’t want them to rape me.”
I make him no promises, but I do tell him I’ll try my best to keep him from their Skanky clutches. All during dinner Sable and I are entertaining ourselves with ideas of how to upset the Skanks. None of the ideas are realistic, though, as it is not one of my life goals to have my kneecaps broken, nor does Sable desire to be disemboweled.
Alphabet is becoming increasingly concerned as supper progresses because she just looks across the table to see me put my hand on Sable's arm, and then later looks to see me act as if I was just engaged (I wear a ring and moved it to my left ring finger). As much as we try to explain the situation to her, she will have none of it and doesn't want to hear anything that we have to say.
So we find things to talk about at our table, and Sable ends up almost getting away clean.

Almost.

Dinner is over and people are starting to leave. Out of my peripheral I see a figure saunter towards us, a hand goes across Sable's shoulder blades, and as she smiles she says, "Hi, Cutie."
He looks at me as I shrug and smirk as if to say, "She wasn't talking to me."
After a few minutes of awkward conversation, her friends convince her to leave, and as she does, she compliments him a few more times and tousles his hair.
As soon as she flips her hair and walks away, Sable and I just look at each other. I am stiffling laughter, and as he sees he will get no sympathy from me, he gets up to start cleaning the dining hall.